Just the stuff and things

Hey bloggy, I haven't written in you because I have been lazy. So here's the stuff and things I've been up to in a lazy little list.

WENT TO BUNDY-- last weekend we drove to Bundaberg with Axel to see some friends of ours who recently moved there and squirted out a new baby with very cool facial expressions. Bundy always turns me into a mixed bag of melancholy and cranky due to the first time I went there with Rick. Back then life was a bit unsettled (understatement) and that weekend Bundy handed me a whole lot of drama on a take away tray. And now it seems Bundy has yoinked some good friends from me, lured them from Brisbane to be by the sea with the promise of less traffic and a slower pace of life. Stupid Bundaberg, I miss them being 15 minutes away. I do like the place though, despite this nagging feeling that I'll end up stuck there one day living that shitty small town life my parents are stuck living in Roma (I swear I've had this feeling for years, I can't explain why).

Meeting the newest bundle of joy from Bundaberg (cool expression yes? Just one of many)

HAD A BBQ-- for Australia (or Strailya) Day we set up a mean slide in the front yard on our unforgiving hill and chucked a whole load of snags on the barbie. It was a nice afternoon of Triple J music and beer with good friends. Every time we do things with friends, however, it makes me sad at the thought that all my awesome friends are so far and wide. The photo doesn't even do this slide justice because some doodle took it on an angle. Tilt your head and appreciate!

Giant hill - shit on bin night but legendary on Australia Day

WORKING MY BUTT OFF-- I swear one day soon I'm going to snap and kill someone with a milk jug or loaf of multigrain bread. I thought the time had come this Thursday when I got to work only to be overcome with a violent urge to trash the place, lock up and go home. Most of the days that I work I arrive at 7am and spend two hours cooking, filling, arranging and preparing for the other staff to arrive and the doors to open at 9am. There is a lot of work to do in those two hours and unfortunately, seeing as I'm one of two people that do the open shift, the rest of the staff seem to think it's ok to lump more work on the opener. This particular Thursday there was shit eeeverywhere. There were simple jobs and difficult jobs and dirty jobs that belonged to other staff left for me and I was so upset I even sprang some tears. A bit embarrassing but it's ok because no one was there. When the manager arrived at FIVE PAST NINE to open the doors I let her have it both barrels. I try so hard to not let stuff get to me at that place because it really is Just A Job To Pay The Bills, but the fact that I get paid like crap to do so much work and am more often than not lumped with extra responsibilities because the manager is useless sometimes gets to me. The owner always comes to me with problems, as do the staff and the coffee machine guy and some suppliers, it seems to be my responsibility to fix broken equipment and sort out lazy staff, and yet I don't get paid for it. It's just because I'm all awesome and the manager is all shit. Whatever, it's just a job.

DID NOT APPLY FOR UNI-- I guess I'm just scared. But I'm more scared that (and now upset because) it is going to be two and a half years before I will be a qualified anything. God damn I hate my job, I need a real one. I hate the fact that I have one year worth of study that is going to take two because I have no choice but to work to pay for daycare (a giant thankyou to Centrelink for finally letting me know I get NOTHING from them). And now I hate that I didn't apply in time because I literally didn't have the money to apply through QTAC, and because I have no idea how to, and because I am scared. I want someone to take care of it for me (and while they're at it maybe take a little care of me).

That's it. I missed you, want to come over for a cuppa and a play?

Saturday Night

Can I just warn you, if indeed you haven't been unlucky enough to discover for yourself already, that sugar free cruisers are vomit. They are called Cruiser Free and by Free they mean Nasty and Headache Inducing. Rick has some buddies over and with the questionable alcohol flowing the conversation is interesting. From refugees (these rednecks are a bit backwards) to girls (Amy what do I do when she won't return my calls?) to Krudd (expletives). These dudes are all a decade older than me and I find it so interesting talking to them.

So... ta ta, don't drink any sugar free goodies

Ode to Amie

Things I love about Amie (robotty ):

-- Amie appreciates the humour in burping into an empty bottle, sealing it and giving it as a gift
-- This is the birthday cake Amie made me one year:
-- In highschool Amie and I 'stole' our teacher's car and parked it a few houses away
-- In highschool we toilet papered the same teacher's car and ended up in the principal's office (and he laughed with us at our conquest)
-- In highschool we ended up in the principal's office for switching the numbers on the library keyboards so 6 and 9 were next to eachother
-- In highschool we ended up in the principal's office writing out incident reports for bullying after repeatedly telling a girl we loved her. Those incident reports are now sealed in the school's time capsure for 2004
-- One time Amie came to visit me in Brisbane to make moo-moos like fat ladies wear, then model them
-- On the same visit Amie took me to a piercing place and prepaid for us to get a nippies stabbed before I could back out
-- ...then she went in first and came out with a complete look of nonchallance to convince me it didn't hurt. It did. And she felt it!
-- In highschool Amie was my constant source of entertainment in maths, drama, FTV, just about anything
-- One time at a cocktail party Amie and her friend thew, she waited for everyone to get blind drunk before breaking out her video camera and coaxing everyone into Jerry Springer style confessions about one another
-- Amie took me to a Big Brother live eviction because she is awesome
-- Amie lined up with me for hours to audition for Big Brother, only to get bored and hot and leave the line just before we were set to go in
-- Amie draws potatoes and turds like no one I know
-- Amie is always full of support for me no matter what I do or think or say, or how many lame highschool arguements I caused

As if this is all, she is more awesome than livejournal can even handle.

Basically, Happy Birthday lard arse! (Amie thinks changing text size in the middle of a sentence is lame)

Wikka wikka waa waaa

Family Holiday No. 1 was a giant success. I've rubbed my pictures all over facebook to show everyone how to be jealous. However I'm pretty annoyed at myself for wasting a bit of that time being incredibly grumpy, it really put my emotional state into perspective. I need to sort that out because life is pretty sweet right now and spending even a day here and there wasting my precious son's early years being a cow seems unjust. I've known for a few years that there is a bit of an unbalance somewhere in my brain. That's what depression is, but I always had a problem with a boyfriend or a ball-busting boss or a friend being a bitch to blame my downers on. Now I have good friends, my boss thinks the sun shines out of my arse (even if the job is worse than a year of periods) and my partner and son are amazing guys who make me laugh and rub my back and bring me presents of little treasures or two course dinners. I am so blessed, but some days I can't face the world and want to cry at the drop of a hat. Some nights after my partner has gone to bed I sit in front of the computer with the vodka flowing and I cry. I think I am crying because I'm lonely, or I'm a failure, or I miss my single life and my best friends. That isn't a good enough reason, so that's it. I've put my foot down. I'm not alone, my best friends while far away still love and talk to me all the time, and I'm doing a sweet job with my kid and household and holding down a job. I even hope to tackle uni this year (so stick that up ya dad).
I've stepped into the GP numerous times in the past four years with the intention of seeking help, and every time there have been reasons for me to chicken out. The first time I actually booked a chat with a psychologist, but when I arrived the secretary said my appointment was for the previous week and I'd missed it. Another time just after I'd had Axel I tried to tell my GP what was going on in my mind and she disregarded it as baby blues. It's ok to have that chemical imbalance because that's all it is. I am capable of being a happy lady, but sometimes I might need to talk to someone and that's ok. The next step is just to find someone here in sunny Brisvegas to give that job to (because my GP has been crossed off the contenders list).

But seriously, awesome holiday!

PS- today our tv reception issue got fixed and now instead of one channel we have TWENTY and it is AWSOME so I'm off to remote control bash.

Centrelink can kiss my tiny white ass

I just got off the phone to Centrelink, or should I say Centrestink, and need to blog it off. Woo angry. I have been trying to contact them since 9:30 this morning and only just got through now. Of course no one can help me because they're all incompetent and I got shuffled through a few people before giving up. Someone following me on twitter said she works for them so I asked her and she put more info in 140 characters then I received on the phone for 20 minutes. Basically what I wanted to know was if there is any help available for me to go back to uni. And basically I think there is not. Which coupled with the lack of help and support I'm getting from my own partner is really a kick in the balls.

I want to go back to university and complete a Diploma of Secondary Education which coupled with my already obtained Bachelor of Farts would qualify me to teach highschool kiddies. One year of study and bam, I can earn a decent income and claim my rightful place next to my partner at the head of the family. Rick wants me to spread it out over two years so I can keep working casually to earn some money which is fair enough, even though it's a frustrating thought to spend two years of Axel's life completely prioccupied with working my guts out. Working four days a week now costs me pretty big bucks with daycare, and adding two days a week at uni will mean I need to work more to pay for more daycare, ya dig? It's times like these I desperately wish I had friends and family to lean on in this shitty city. I guess I don't have any other option though, unless I wait a few years til Axel is in prep. That is something I can't even consider at the moment because I harbor so much guilt and embarrassment for doing nothing now. Or as dad calls it 'wasting your life cutting sandwiches'. Boo hiss. When did it all get so tricky?


Monday bloody Monday / I don't like Mondays wooh wooh

I had to work today which usually makes me cranky. No exceptions today either because Favourite Work Buddy 1 had big PMS going on and was no fun to be around, and Favourite Work Buddy 2 is heading to India for six weeks after today so I won't see her again. Possibly EVER if she drinks any water while she's over there and dies of wormies. Both these Favourite Work Buddies are my age, and I feel very lucky to consider them friends (which I do without their permission as I've only known both of them for a few months). Buddy 1 has been to uni, been overseas, and is now back living at home so she can return to uni so as to then return to travelling. She appreciates live music the same way I do, we are comfortable enough to talk about the mussy stuff with eachother, and she laughs at all my jokes almost.
Buddy 2 is a really genuinely nice girl; very spiritual and reasonable and level-headed. She thinks I'm great and funny and special. She is the voice of reason whenever I'm over-the-top cranky, and has pulled me into line for misbehaving even, although technically I'm her superior. Her trip to India is for charity, nice gal. In the five years that I've spent in Brisbane I've seldom forged friendships that lasted, or with people that I really thought that much of. These two girls really make me happier, and most of all they make me at ease with myself. They are both my age and are both in very different stages of life to eachother and to me. It makes me see sense that my dad hides- that we are all different and we are all doing something worthwhile. Not that I haven't forged a few nice friendships ((sob)).

So in closing, my dad is a jerk. Still.

PS- this week my brother is also a jerk. Gah, what a jerk! He won't speak to me, all because I got the shits that he never spoke to me and so I wouldn't speak to him. Helloooo, you're six years older than me! Grow up!
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It's your party on my blog and you can cry if you want to!!!

Well correct me if I'm wrong but LJ told me that it's you're birthday tomorrow...

I hope the day (and year) are totally full of awesome.
I hope that the post I just wrote that livejournal decided to lose somehow subconsciously finds you because I forgot what I said.
Basically, I think you're fantastic and quite probably my favourite Internetz Lady.
endlessblush xx

(no subject)

Oh hi! I was just about to face the heat of the midday sun in Queensland in summer to mow the waaay overgrown lawn, but then I remembered I have a blog! And a huge tin of jelly beans! We had almost a full week of constant rain last week, so even though I mowed the front lawn before the parentals arrived for Christmas it's pretty much a wild jungle full of strange exotic weeds and... come to think of it I haven't seen the dog for a while. Probably taken by natives. The back yard is even worse, because it gets mowed half as frequently as the front yard. If you could see my yard you'd understand; the front has a MOUNTAIN in it. We got a pool for Christmas, big enough to have a filter that takes hours to assemble, and it's slimy and green and infested with mosquito larvae. It really is so exotic out there! I even had to climb up the clothesline and cut some branches from the neighbours' flame tree so I could hang clothes out. It was pretty much as ridiculous looking as it sounds, but, I AM WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR!

So, Christmas was difficult, tension and arguements abounded, but it's done for another 12 months. Rick's mother outshone santa (as expected) and bought Axel his first trike. It is so cute, but he is at least six months away from being big enough and coordinated enough to actually use it. After mum started off the party having a go at Rick, dad ended the long weekend with a two day attack Amy festival culminating in me telling him to fuck off home, and him doing so. New years eve was a non-event, and now we are excitedly counting down to our island holiday! This time next week I fully intend on being drunk by midday, catching rays by the ocean while Axel enjoys the kid's club.

My only resolution this year, apart from the stock standard 'lose weight', is to step the nightly drinking down a notch. It is all too easy to numb myself into sleep, and Rick is equally as bad. I know we aren't anywhere near as bad as many others around us (most of them in our families), but I am 22 and I can see that I drink too frequently and enjoy 'just one more' too much. I don't want to turn it into a problem for myself, I want to feel healthier, and most of all I want to learn to sleep again because ever since having a child I haven't had a proper au natural full night's sleep. And he's been sleeping through the night since 3 months of age. Tsk tsk. I figure if I can go tonight without a 'knock off drink' (glass of wine when Axel turns in, or beer with Rick when he gets home from work) then I deserve a pat on the back. And if I can make it all the way to next Friday when we set off on our holiday, well heck I deserve a boozey weekend.


Farewell ye decade that was

In the last decade I;

became a teenager; had best friends forever; fought; performed; discovered passions; snuck out; learnt to drive; got my first car; got my first kiss; survived highschool; moved out of home; moved to a new city; fell in love; got my drink spiked resulting in a hospital stay; conquered university; lost my childhood friend - my dog Polly; had a prang; met new people; got promoted; took out a loan; laughed; cried; lost family; found family; got engaged; had my heart broken; conquered fears; lived in share houses; tried my first bong; had my first plane ride; developed numerous ridiculous crushes; had a child; bought a house; worked hard; became an aunt; missed family; missed friends; learnt not to sing in public; got a new dog. You know, and stuff.

In the decade to come I really hope I;

succeed at being a great mum; get back to uni to complete my diploma of education; love; laugh; keep on keeping on. That's it really.

X- mas

I've had an epiphany lj, and if I have the time (and sobriety) I'd tell you every detail about it. But, alas, it is Christmas night and I am intoxicated. So! This is all I have: I am a good, no GREAT mum, I am a decent woman, and least of all I have an amazing family that I have grown from.. I will make a wonderful life, be it with my current partner and absolutely and extraordinarily amazing son or not, I will shine.

So suck it.

Merry Christmas xox

(My mum read this over my shoulder as I typed it and she nudged me and said "put 'my mum agrees'")